Monday was my first day back at work. The night before I went to bed in full denial of the day. People kept asking me how I felt and you know I just wasn’t thinking about it. I could get all stressed out about it, will I have time to shower, between watching Emma and feeding, will she nap in the morning? Will she take an hour to go down and I won’t have time to do anything else? I decided to not think and just take whatever came, just one foot in front of the other, like I have done so many other things in my life.
Emma woke us up at 3am that night, and then again at 8:30am. I didn’t have time to get my morning run, but I did shower and eat. At ten I kissed everyone goodbye and I was off.
My room had been left clean. I spent large portions of the day putting away stuff in the RIGHT PLACE. Each class started with,
“What did she teach you?”
And because they are good kids I got honest answers and knew where to go. At the beginning of last year walking into class without concrete plans would have scared the pants off me. I did spend lots of time last semester making plans, overheads, questions sheets, so I had stuff.
The bell rang at 3:30, I was in my car by 3:33pm. I hadn’t thought about Emma much of the day. Mostly because her daddy is a competent man and I am very good at compartmentalizing my life. I drove my bumpy commute home, I felt sophisticated and successful, maybe I can have it all. Maybe you can be a fabulous working mom.
I kicked off my shoes in a silent hallway, and walked into a living room with just my husband. I sat next to him and eagerly listened to him recount the day. She slept! She ate (Two bottles! I’m going to have to pump more….)! She held her rattle! She woke up shortly after I heard all the stories. The smiles and baby pre-giggles I got were ah-mazing. I spent the next two hours playing with her, which now consists of making faces at her and turning myself inside out to get her to smile. I happily took the forty minutes it takes now to rock her to sleep, I may have held her a little longer than I needed…