Upon this return to the United States I have noticed a few more things about our culture. Of course I have already been through, ‘gee, we’re kinda fat,’ and, ‘you spent that much money on what?!’ my observations have begun to become a bit more nuanced. Here’s are a few things that I have noticed:
1. EVERYONE has life-threatening allergies. I cannot talk to a group of moms without one of them talking about how one of their children has had some kind of allergy and how they couldn’t eat this or eat that while they were nursing. I don’t tell them that I knock back whatever I want and Emma doesn’t seem to have a problem; I use hot sauce like ketchup, I cook with more onions and garlic then your gnarled Italian grandmother, my morning cup of coffee would probably stop the heart of a small rodent, basically I have the taste buds of a sixty year old man, only a matter of time before I switch from red wine to scotch.
2. Dietary CLEANSES; really, people? I have to tell you that after getting regularly roto-rooted in Kenya that doing that to myself on purpose seems a little silly. A little local Indian food and lets just say I’m pretty sure there were no more toxins left in my system.
3. Our government is AWESOME and no American is happy with it. Seriously your dog has more rights under our law than any Kenyan citizen. Outside of Europe and North America every government is dripping with corruption. Dripping.
4. DOGS. That last one reminded me, dogs are not children, dogs are not people. A lot of Americans have an unhealthy emotional attachment to their pet. Go make a friend, they don’t scratch themselves in public, most of the time…at least.
5. Is it called health food because it doesn’t taste that good and then you don’t eat it, so then you’re skinnier? And why is it so damn expensive? Five dollars for a box of carob cookies, why spend that much money to make myself miserable?
6. The movie Kick A**: is a** no longer a bad word? When did that happen? What’s next? Porn on prime time?