It's the end of the year, time to look back on the year, time to think about what went great and what didn't. And most of all time to make New Year's Resolutions. If you're not me. I don't make New Year's Resolutions. I did it a few times back when I was younger and foolisher. They lasted till about January 15th and then they dropped, like a 92 year old man at a Polar Bear Swim. This year I will not be making resolutions. I won't do it.
I also don't have a lot of time for myself, it's almost all I can do to snatch a moment to write this. (It's 9:56pm and I would rather be in bed, but my creative monkey is on my back, so I type.) Self improvement is far from my mind, mostly I run after Emma and try to keep on top of chores so that we are well fed and live in not a pig sty. (Earlier today I thought 'there will be a point in my life when I am not whipping everything out of harm's way from Emma, it will come.')
I used to sit in church and hold my mom's hand and run my fingers over her nails. She wears long acrylic nails. I loved them, they were shiny, like drops of water frozen in time. I think that I thought I would get acrylic nails when I was a kid. I don't, they would be a waste on me. But I always thought those nails of hers were so magical.
I wonder what it is about me that Emma will find magical. What part of what I just do naturally will make her feel most loved? What part of what I do will make her think that I am beautiful? What part of me will she just be amazed by? I don't ever think that I should pursue that, but as kids growing up there were parts of our parent's that we just admired. I wonder what those will be.
I think that for this year I am good enough. Judging by the way my baby face lights up when she sees me, or that she eagerly toddles towards me, or reaches for me, I must be doing something right. This year I chose to rest on my laurels focus on my kid and trust that something about me is amazing. I may not know it's there or even think it's worth mentioning, but it's there.