Thanks for all the encouragement. As Rachel commented on my last blog, "we all feel in the void." I think that's a perfect way of saying it.
In an act of desperation I ran out of the house this morning. Scott needed to work on job applications and I needed to keep Emma out of his hair, without building resentment towards him. My day with his help and he's occupied elsewhere, and he needs to be occuppied elsewhere, but you know...we're not always rational. I got coffee but didn't stay at the coffee shop, a one year old at a coffee shop? How is that enjoyable?
We ended up at the library. I go there a lot. Of course I only got about three board books in before Emma was arching her back and pointing her toes to the ground. There was another mom there with her twin toddler girls. Of course on her first trek across the kid's room she sauntered right up to them and stood all wobbly and cute like, gazing expectantly up. I just watched. Within moments the two girls were 'reading' to Emma. I snatched bits of conversation with the mom, she quickly admitted that she was ready to go back to work, winter's were hard, and that she was eager for adult conversation. All points to which I readily agreed. On the way out the door we quickly passed on our names, in such a small town we are bound to run into each other again.
I spent the rest of my time there chasing her, and discovered that my child is not one of those that you can turn around and she happily heads in a different direction. Nope, she turns around and towards her original direction, for example, shrieking with joy towards the quiet group of people intently working in the computer lab. At least I'm still faster than her. For now. After discovering a fully loaded diaper I decided it was time to go home.
I sat in the car for a moment after strapping Emma into her carseat and finished the 'muffin top' that I had bought at the coffee shop, I just loved the fact that it was called a muffin top. I stared at the snow covered peaks in front of me, now what? I wasn't ready to go home. I sat munching, it wasn't too cold and there was a park right across the street.
At the park it became apparent within moments that she was ready to go home. Her resistance to letting go of her lovey and the crying I got when she fell. I was avoiding going home, we had been cooped up for a few days with a fever, and really cold weather. I couldn't stomach anymore Disney channel and my creativity was running dry.
As I drove home I thought about all the conversations I have with moms who feel stuck 'in the void.' We want to get out and make promises to get out, but why don't we? I can't tell you how many promises of play dates are made that are never followed through on. Is it because my child can only last for about three hours before she needs sleep? Is it because we assume that everyone else is handling this better than we are? Is it because we are afraid to admit we are going crazy between being cooped up and watching our professional lives dissipate down a drain? So what is it?