My first day without Scott was fairly painless.
This morning we got up, showered, hugged our baby and handed her over to Bibi (Scott's mom), and were on our way to Denver to take him to the airport. The Denver airport is a two and half hour drive from our home, if you're lucky. We talked a bit about our future, the hope of a job, the desire to decorate a home, an upcoming opportunity to go to Kosovo to help run a training, violence in the media, and thoughts we have on intentional parenting. You know, normal stuff. When I dropped him off, with a hug and a meaningful kiss, I told him not to behave, he told me just because it was a guys weekend it didn't mean we had to be incommunicado. I reminded him I wasn't the one who needed that reminder, with all love, of course.
And then I shopped.
We live about one to two hours from any decent shopping. Which induces a kind of amost crazed fervor when I do get the opportunity to shop. I have seriously thought about knocking people out of my way while yelling, "I NEED THIS!!!" Before when I lived in suburbia if I had a spare half hour I would go cruise a TJMaxx and buy a shirt or something, no big deal. When I moved to BV and had the desire to wander in consumer bliss I found I had no place to go. There was no where to spend the money I didn't have.
So when I do get the opportunity to shop I binge. I wander through the store, challenging myself to buy something different than what I normally do (this time it was patterns, plaid, and a pair of shorts), and then end up with a pile of clothes. That I am sure induces a slow burning hate from the fitting room attendant when I hand all but one shirt back. Because ladies, we know that in a pile of clothes not all of it will look good, no matter how much you run or how much sugar you cut out of your diet. So five stores later, two that I walked around and then BOUGHT NOTHING, I have two new tops, some pajamas, a dress, a pair of shorts, and a pair of heels. There have been days while after a few hours of driving, nothing fit. All that effort and nothing looked good on my butt. It's almost painful.
All of this I was able to do baby-less, because of the kindness of Bibi. God bless her. I didn't have to worry about snacks, juice, toys, or anything. I was free, just me and my purse. I headed home at 4:30pm, more because I couldn't fathom spending any more money than I had rather than any pressing need to get home.
I came home, greeted Bibi, and went over to the living room to give Emma a hug. She smiled and nuzzled her head against my neck, and then went back to watching her cartoons. That's it, that's all?
Later as I cooed to Emma that I had missed her, I realised I hadn't. I was happy to see her, and I snuggled and thoroughly enjoyed reading to her and putting her to bed. But I really hadn't thought about her much that day. I remembered that when I worked when I came home I felt clear, that I could focus on her without thinking about all the things that I wanted to do. I could play with her without something nagging me in the back of my head.
Now, blogging, with the Style channel on the in the background and well into my second glass of wine, I realise that mama could've used more alone time, and a little time away is a good thing.