It's 1am, and I'm awake. Sleep has eluded me the last few days. When I first had Emma I felt that insomnia was the ultimate slap in the face for a parent. You would hope that you were so sleep deprived that any chance to sleep would send you into REM instantly. Alas, I find that parenthood brings me more to worry about.
We leave for Kosovo in a week from, well, today. My 'to do' list had been cantering in circles in my mind. I finally got up and wrote it down. A half hour later I now know I do not need a visa to get into Kosovo, and have started writing up a medical power of attorney for Scott's parents, who will be caring for Emma in our absence.
They very carefully trotted sideways, dressage style, to tell us that we might want to do this before we left. Also that we should draw up a will to appoint guardianship for our little one. We have to think about the unthinkable.
As I scanned an example document on one of the many websites that offers legal services I thought, 'Do I trust them to make the right decision if Emma should need a blood transfusion or surgery?' My in-laws are medical professionals, so I trust their opinions and knowledge of medical services.
This brings to the forefront of my mind probably the most horrible thing you can think of as a parent, 'what if I don't get to raise my child? What if something were to happen and I didn't get to watch this beautiful person unfold into the adult she's supposed to be? What if I am not the one that gets to make decisions for her, should she take soccer or ballet?' Even the little decisions, I wouldn't get to take her to the zoo for the first time, or introduce myself to her kindergarten teacher.
Never before when travelling have I ever really thought about something happening to me. As you get older the stakes get higher. As you fall in love, the stakes get higher. If something were to happen to me my husband would be a widower. As you bring children into the world the stakes get higher. If something were to happen to me now a child would an orphan.
It's almost enough to make me hang up my passport and stay home.
But we won't. At least not this time. We'll see how this eleven day separation goes I may discover that missing my little bug isn't worth it. I may discover that it gave me a welcome break, allowed me to sink my teeth back into my profession, and renewed me to be a better parent.
Looks like we're gonna find out.