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Wednesday, June 1, 2011

What I Leave Behind

Tonight I lay in bed, my mind spinning with packing worries, I realised that I don't even know how to spell Masachussettes (was that right?). I think I feel asleep for awhile, at first I couldn't get my feet warm and then I was boiling. Finally I decided to get out of bed and empty my mind. So here I am at 11:16 pm sipping Sauvignon Blanc and writing. This made me wonder? How many blogs are born of insomnia induced rants? Maybe more than I want to think about.
What worries me?
My main worry is this, at the end of every move we end up with a pile of junk to go in the car. I always think it won't all fit and my husband always thinks it will. Last night as I reminded him that the booster seat for Emma still needed to go in the car he said,
"See I think keep thinking we're done and then one more thing needs to go in," confirming my suspicion that at seven am tomorrow morning we'll be throwing things out of the car into the garage for the moving company to come pick up. (We drive out tomorrow, but the moving company can't come until next week.)
Our last cross-continental move I won that fight. It didn't all fit and at the last moment I was abandoning our cleaning supplies and leftover weddng decorations into our tiny apartment in Chicago. Later when i called that couple that had moved in after us, I was reeking with guilt for dumping all that stuff on them. His response?
"Thanks for leaving all that stuff for us! It was great!" I guess you never know.
It's those last pieces those pictures in a drawer you haven't seen for years that suddenly you can't live without. Random flashlights. Broken crayons. Cleaning supplies. Do you move these things across the country? I know they have cleaning supplies in Boston, but if I move this box of them that saves us, like, twenty bucks.
What else ails my weak and tired mind?
Will I fit in on the East Coast?
As I leave from Colorado I think about what I liked and what I didn't. One would think that I would love Colorado, I'm outdoorsy, right? Yes, but....I had a hard time finding my cultural footing in Colorado. One end of the spectrum there are the hippies that hide in the mountains, don't trust the government, come down to fill their medicinal marijuana prescriptions, stock up on patchouli and then go back up to commune with the mule deer. Then there are the folks who go from one seasonal job to the next, rafting guide in summer, ski patrol in winter, waitress in between. Then there are the folks who are professionals but have moved to the mountains to play with them, and they take all the good jobs. Then there are the folks who seem stuck out here in the mountains, I think there grandparents must've been miners and they just stayed. Then there are the rednecks. Then there are the militiamen who live up in the mountains, don't trust the government, and only come down to get more ammo and PBR. Did you notice some gaps? There are gaps. I think I slipped through those gaps.
I am outdoorsy, it's true. But here I just felt like no matter how tough you thought you are everyone here is way more tough than you. Like the guy with gout that just finished an adventure race. Or the soft-spoken soccer mom who turns out to be a crazy peak bagger.
I always felt like every sport that people did needed crazy amounts of expensive equipment. Kayaking? Need a kayak, a life vest, a helmet, a splash jacket, a paddle...Whatever happened to just putting on hiking boots and walking up into the mountains? My husband and I just really like to hike. I think that's maybe because we're cheap.
I have been a little surprised at how many people don't just Hike.
I do like Colorado. The mountains are majestic. I wish I climbed more of them. I like the toughness that living at high altitude creates. The people in general are nice, friendly, and laid back. We have made some good friends. I will miss them.
I look forward to creating our own life. I will probably have some gaps in Massachusetts (I googled the spelling) that won't be filled, but the more I move the more I have those gaps. There will things I like and don't like. Ways of the locals that I will adopt and ways that I won't. I will probably always pronoune my r's, but I'm thinking that decorating my house in Cape Cod style might be fun. I think I see lots of beach glass in my future.

1 comment:

Rachel said...

Your honesty and self awareness will help you through this. I know how you feel about the gaps. I've found ways to stitch them together into a net. I still slip, but people are people everywhere. : )