After going through the arduous process of childbearing I remember driving through the streets of Nairobi and looking at other women and wondering if they had ever given birth. And thinking,
‘You don’t even know what your body is capable of.’
I feel like a traitor to my sex, for many reasons other than just hating math and wearing makeup regularly. Right now the reason that bothers me the most is that I do not like being pregnant. Oh sure I love the end result, but I find the process to be difficult. I know some women love it and I am so happy for them. Truly, good for you. I know these women, I’ve seen them with four or five kids in tow. They smile and say they were never sick at all, they felt energized, and sexy. Am I jealous? Actually not really. But I might be tapping out at two biological children.
Unfortunately I do feel sick. Even now at twenty weeks I get sick after every time I eat. It disappears in twenty minutes or so, but it wears on you.
Unfortunately I do not feel energized, I feel exhausted, taxed and compromised in any physical activity that I try to do.
Unfortunately I don’t feel sexy. I feel heavy, cumbersome, and large. Last pregnancy my libido left the building, like it stood up brushed it’s hands off and said, ‘looks like my work here is done, I’ll see you two in about a year.’ This time around let’s just say the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak. (Funny that I had to have to sex to get this way and yet I don’t feel sexy.)
Unfortunately I find myself doing so many things that just aren’t characteristic of me. The way I eat completely changes. I just polished off half a bag of salt and vinegar potato chips. A food I have always considered ‘one of those weird foods that my dad likes.’ Right now? Tasty, salty, and gone. Normally I tap the line at vegetarian. Right now? All I want is meat, carbs, and dairy. Normally if you give me the option of cross country skiing all day long or sitting in front of the fire, and knitting all day, I would choose skiing. Right now? Knitting sounds just great.
Unfortunately I don’t do this gracefully.
Something that I have learned from talking to countless women about their pregnancies is that we are all completely different. In pregnancy there is no judgment. Or there shouldn’t be. Some women aren’t sick at all, others are sick the whole way through. Some barely gain weight while others pack on fifty pounds.
I guess it’s good to take a rest, and let my knees and joints take a breather from all the challenges that I give them. It’s good to sit and cuddle with my kid and take some last moments with just her, all by herself. It’s good to just knit and put all the million other projects I have going on away for awhile.
I guess I need help with this, I struggle with finding the process beautiful and wonderful. I know it’s amazing and doing it once was totally worth it. I guess I want to hear from you (please do not send me faux encouragement or advice) what were moments when you felt amazing while pregnant? Where you felt like, ‘this is the most awesome and special thing I can do.’
Even better than cross country skiing.