I find it so hard to be productive right now. Every time I sit down at the computer my brain, goes foggy and says,
I type a few sentences of something beautiful that I have been composing in my head while nursing my baby or tending to my toddler and then when I have a moment in front of this blank white screen I get,
One of the hardest things I have found in motherhood is keeping up productivity. I wish I could say that I could redefine it, that the hours spent cuddling and comforting fulfill me to the full, but the problem is that the part of you that screams to use your hands and mind doesn't go away.
After Carys nursed this afternoon I plopped her down in the moses basket that has now taken up residence in our living room and I sat back on the couch and my mind spun with all the things I need to get 'done.' Letters for a friend, a painting commission, and all these blogs and books that haunt the corners of my creative thought and energy. Then I thought,
'Why I don't I just be a normal housewife and clean something.'
I didn't I tried to write and got caught in Facebook. I think my productivity would go up if I switched it off my front page.
* * *
My two year old has suffered in this transition. Poor thing. Doesn't see us for two days and then I show up with this baby that is always on me. I heard her the first morning we were all home,
"I want mommy!" I came out holding the new addition, and sat by her on the couch,
"No, I don't want mommy!"
I cuddled with Emma this afternoon, after each attack cuddle with elbows and hands bashing into my sore chest and loose belly innards, after each grimace that followed, she would settle into me I would sniff her little unpolished smell and think,
'Maybe this is productive.' And it is. A friend that dropped off a meal for us stated that she has been able to enjoy her children more and more as they have aged, but that they,
"Laid the groundwork," to be able to do so.
So this is the groundwork. Cuddling during episodes of Sesame Street. Not the worst groundwork.
It is hard on the creative mind. All my projects lurk like ghosts while I bustle and then in a quiet moment they pop out at me, and I scream, and feel a deep sense of dark dread that if I don't get myself in gear I will hide my talents under the ground.
But I am tired, so tired. My foggy wet brain, and sore back makes me want to do nothing else than lie on the couch and sob through episodes of Parenthood.
But even if I allow myself to do that I keep think that I should be writing or making art.
So there you have it, my constant internal battle between being productive, resting, and taking care of kids. Any other creative types dealt with this before? How did you deal with this?