“It’s cold down here,” one of my friends pulls her sweater closer around her in the basement room where our mom’s group meets.
“Now I know why you want to hold Carys!”I laugh. She holds out her hands,
“Give me your chubby baby!” I giggle and hand off my child.
I love to share my child. What is more precious than a new life?
I have always loved reading to children. You get to snuggle, you’re doing something that’s good for them, and there’s some mild art involved. And you get to snuggle. I was watching Emma playing in the bath and my thoughts were kind of coalescing abstractly around this idea and finally they landed on this thought,
“This one,” as I looked at her, “I want to snuggle this one. With her precious little feet, and her sweet little knees.” There is nothing more special than holding your own child. Sure other’s kids are fun, but nothing compares to the smell of that sweet noggin that your DNA helped to create.
Motherhood has been a strange emotional journey for me. I’ve always wanted to be a mom, but it’s been an add on,
“What do you want to be when you grow up?”
“A cowgirl…and a mom,” when I was five I wanted to be a cowgirl. And a Mom.
Now I am a Mom, but alas not a cowgirl. Not even close. Now the add on is my only job. That’s a role I’d never thought I’d play.
It’s been an up and down journey throughout motherhood. With each baby I’ve had to get used to extreme inconvenience of it all. Not sitting through a meal. Feeling guilty when I put makeup on or eat. Giving up a shower here or there because it’s just not worth it. This time as I have clawed at, ‘why I did this again?’ I remembered something. I like taking care of things. When I was a child I used to daydream about having MY VERY OWN pet. And no one else’s. Some little creature that I could dote on, who would be all my own. Wasn’t I just daydreaming about parenthood?
Like that dress that hangs in your closet. You bought because really you knew you should. It was a new cut that you weren’t used to, but looked good on you. The color was one you haven’t historically liked, but deep in the recesses of your brain you remembered that your mom always told you that you looked good in navy but you never bought it because you thought it was boring and didn’t know what colors to put with it. So you were compelled to buy it. The first time you wore it you were unsure. You shifted and pulled and didn’t let it just sit on your curves. Then you got compliments. Then you bought shoes that match it perfectly. Then someone gave you a bracelet that matches it. Now you wear it every chance you can.
I remembered somewhere in my heart that I was made for this. It’s hard. Oh, it’s so hard. But I have always wanted it, now I have them my two little creatures I get to snuggle, love, and dote on.
And snuggle with.