The number blink back up at me. I look up at a friend. They are the same as they were two weeks
ago. I look at a friend,
“How’d you do?”
“I’m up a pound.” We
talked, she blinked red wet eyes, and said she thought she’d been doing well,
“I have to just try harder,” I feel that so much in my own
life.
Try harder. White knuckle.
So I try harder at working at my art. I sit staring at blank mocking white. Erasure marks tell me to take a break, come
back when I am inspired or at least not droolingly tired.
Try harder. White
knuckle.
Furrowed brow.
So I try harder at being a mom. My voice hits a note I don’t like. My child’s voice hits that same note.
Try harder. White
knuckle.
Headache.
I don’t pray for patience with my children anymore. The wise will often intone that is a
mistake. They’re right. But I don’t think praying for patience with
my children will invite difficulty, they already try my patience. I’m already there. Short.
Stressed.
White knuckled.
So I dig. What’s
wrong? What can I do with my heart to
make this easier?
Mother Teresa writes about opening your heart. Pray to God that He will open your heart to
love.
I have sat in the pews Sunday, after Sunday, after Sunday,
and listened to well meaning male pastors re-tell scripture. We’re thinking about this wrong. We’re acting on this wrong.
Try harder. White
knuckle.
Give up.
But I don’t. I’ve
been in this for too long. The furrows
of Christianity are rutted deeply in my heart.
And I know God. I know His touch
and voice.
I’ve started to pray to take joy in my children. An opening.
Open my heart to the beauty that is my two sweet healthy girls. An opening to thanks that they were not born
palsied or missing chromosomes.
How to open your heart?
What did Mother Teresa say? Pray
for it. Those are the prayers of mine
that usually get answered loud and clear, those where I pray for a change in my
heart. A change for the better. If you pray for a bigger house or a better
car you might not always get what you want….then sometimes you get what you
need.
(Sorry I couldn’t help myself.)
PS: I don’t know how
you ‘open it’ for weight loss. I’ll have
to think about that. Then I should
probably lose some weight….
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