Open It Up

The number blink back up at me.  I look up at a friend.  They are the same as they were two weeks ago.  I look at a friend,

“How’d you do?”                      

“I’m up a pound.”  We talked, she blinked red wet eyes, and said she thought she’d been doing well,

“I have to just try harder,” I feel that so much in my own life.

Try harder.  White knuckle.

So I try harder at working at my art.  I sit staring at blank mocking white.  Erasure marks tell me to take a break, come back when I am inspired or at least not droolingly tired.

Try harder.  White knuckle.

Furrowed brow.

So I try harder at being a mom.  My voice hits a note I don’t like.  My child’s voice hits that same note.

Try harder.  White knuckle.

Headache.

I don’t pray for patience with my children anymore.  The wise will often intone that is a mistake.  They’re right.  But I don’t think praying for patience with my children will invite difficulty, they already try my patience.  I’m already there.  Short.  Stressed.

White knuckled.

So I dig.  What’s wrong?  What can I do with my heart to make this easier?

Mother Teresa writes about opening your heart.  Pray to God that He will open your heart to love.

I have sat in the pews Sunday, after Sunday, after Sunday, and listened to well meaning male pastors re-tell scripture.  We’re thinking about this wrong.  We’re acting on this wrong.

Try harder.  White knuckle.

Give up.

But I don’t.  I’ve been in this for too long.  The furrows of Christianity are rutted deeply in my heart.  And I know God.  I know His touch and voice.

I’ve started to pray to take joy in my children.  An opening.  Open my heart to the beauty that is my two sweet healthy girls.  An opening to thanks that they were not born palsied or missing chromosomes.

How to open your heart?  What did Mother Teresa say?  Pray for it.  Those are the prayers of mine that usually get answered loud and clear, those where I pray for a change in my heart.  A change for the better.  If you pray for a bigger house or a better car you might not always get what you want….then sometimes you get what you need.

(Sorry I couldn’t help myself.)

PS:  I don’t know how you ‘open it’ for weight loss.  I’ll have to think about that.  Then I should probably lose some weight….