And for once I was SuperMom

Thursday, April 10, 2014

I don't do what I want

"I don't know, I just find that often people just use Lent as an excuse to go on a diet," Scott tells me.
'So, what's your point Barnett?' I think, as I try not to take it personally.

I mean, I get that.  I was hesitant to do this because I don't know that it directly relates to my relationship with God.  How does giving up sugar make me closer to the Lord?

Since I was feeling out of control with my eating, since I was feeling like I was using caffeine as an emotional analgesic: how doesn't this connect to God?  Shouldn't I turn to prayer when I am stressed, instead of hiding in the pantry with a container of dark chocolate covered almonds?  Shouldn't I talk it out?  Or walk it out?  Or really do anything else other than stuff food in my gob.
I've removed the food, so what have I turned to?  Alcohol?  No, I live in too close communion with my husband for that to ever happen.
What is has done is stop me from shoving chocolate in my face whenever my children ride high on my nerves.  No, I don't turn to God in prayer, but He is there and I am accountable to Him.  God is the ultimate accountability partner. I could pound that brownie, but then what?
'Sorry, Lord, I know you're God and all, but I'm gonna eat this.'

One thought that holds me true to keeping my mouth shut is that in this country self denial isn't a priority. No one ever says not to, we hear,
'Treat yourself.'
'You deserve it.'
'Do what makes you feel happy.'
A lot of people have treated themselves into diabetes or heart disease.
Maybe you don't deserve it.  Maybe your kid deserves it  because you were just a total selfish ball of anger.  Maybe you deserve a good hard swat.

Will this time of no sugar bring me closer to God? I don't know. It's not like I am weathering some huge storm of life, I am just not eating dessert for forty days.
This does make me feel more 'on task.'   Like one of those really productive days where you just shred your to do list. Like I am on top of this. Which makes it easier to do other things, like read my bible or fulfill that promise to a friend.  All those good intentions come to fruition.
I suppose that is why self control is a fruit of the spirit, when you can say 'no' you feel a bit cleaner.  When I can't say 'no' I feel like it all snowballs.  I end up sitting on the couch wondering where the day went.
So that's something.

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