And for once I was SuperMom

Saturday, February 21, 2015

I Give Up

I gave up.
After a day and a half I filled that pot and brewed it.

Ugh, I have so much respect for people who quit real things like tobacco and cocaine.

Did I mention I gave up desserts too?
Did I mention I didn't really talk to God about any of this?  I just kind of decided.
So maybe I set up myself up for failure.

My thoughts the past few days have been pretty rough.  From an Eeyore-ish feeling sorry for myself; like when you're on a diet and everyone at the party is eating cake, and you don't eat the cake, and all you think is, 'because I'm chubby.'  Or mild desperation, 'how am I going to make it through the day without caffeine.'  To a gray pall in my thoughts, 'I can't do this for 40 days.'

Coffee, people, all I am trying to give up is coffee.  Not heroin.

I realized that so much of my habit is wrapped up in ritual.  My first cup in the morning.  With my Bible.  Just me and my husband, and coffee, and silence.
Some mornings I don't make it.  The pull of the snooze button is strong.  My husband tells me not to set an alarm so that we can 'sleep in.'
But if we sleep in, we wake with the children and I am launched into the day without a moment to think.

'Sleeping in,' isn't the same anymore.

In the afternoon that cup means that I take a minute for myself.  My afternoon break.  Let the kids have some quality time with PBS while I sit and think.  Check the email that I haven't checked yet today.  Make sure Facebook is still there.
I have noticed how much time I spend checking Facebook.  Reading articles from The Atlantic.  Trolling through asinine photos from Buzzfeed.  I would like to reclaim that time.  Take it back for myself.  Take that time back into the painting studio.  Take that time back in front of my computer, instead of passively staring at articles I will forget moments from now, typing words that will record my life.  Words that might help another person through their day.  Words that might make anyone of us pause and think a little deeper about what we are doing here.

Today was a fiasco.  Every moment I turned around something was upending my plans.  I spend most afternoons not really knowing what to do with myself.  This day was no different, and ramped up by the unexpected need to shovel snow of our roof and several potty accidents.
I started to feel that pinch in my forehead.  That desire for a moment.  That slight fog.  I waited until Scott got down from the roof and brewed a small pot.
I wish I had some awesome reason that I've given in.  Some realization that it's not the coffee and it's something else.  It's the coffee and the something else.  The moment alone.  The break.
I've decided to make each cup intentional.  Not just swilling it to stay awake.  Not microwaving it or gulping it cold.  Making each cup a moment.  Time to sit and 'be.'

In the morning I think I will take that time for the Lord.
In the afternoon I think I will take that time for myself.  

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